Big Fish

In my small Indonesian village, I’m kind of a big deal. People I don’t know greet me by name every day. It’s kind of strange. I’m a big fish in a small pond, and that kind of power is attractive and really seductive. It’s a kind of celebrity status, and I’m really enjoying it.

But like Ben Parker once said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” The community expects a lot from me. They seem to assume that because I’m American, I know how to do everything. That simply is not true. But sometimes that expectation pushes me to do things I’ve never done before and with a bit of practice, I actually can do anything.

I recently came across this question about capacity and perseverance:

“How would you behave if you were the best in the world at what you do?” – Maria Forleo

I like to think I’m behaving well. I try to be as culturally appropriate as possible with few exceptions. For example, it’s a huge cultural faux pas to eat while standing, let alone walking, but I still eat my apple while walking around the teachers’ office. I’m hungry, and I’ve got places to go!

Otherwise, it’s been a great learning experience. My American status has afforded me the reputation of being an expert at practically everything. While that can be unfair at times, it has also forced me out of my reserved shell. The people here believe in me. It’s so obvious. I worry sometimes that when I come back home to America, who will believe in me so willingly? Will the skills I’ve cultivated here transfer to my American lifestyle? It’s easy to feel superhuman here because people treat me as superhuman. I just hope I can continue that back home.

Everything And Nothing

Due to my excessive free time, I’ve come across a metaphysical phase of my Peace Corps experience. A fellow volunteer texted that she was bored one day. After I suggested she write a story, she said:

“I’m not a writer.”

To which I replied:

“We can’t be tied down by labels in Peace Corps. We are everything and nothing at the same time.”

She later clarified that she doesn’t like writing. But the point is we are given an immense amount of freedom to define the role we take in our Peace Corps community. That freedom can make us feel like we are both everything and nothing at the same time.

Most of the time, that freedom makes me crazy. Every now and then, I take on small projects. But they all seem like side projects based on community interests. Nothing seems unified. Even though my days are filled, I still feel like I’m doing nothing. There has yet to be a defining moment of this Peace Corps adventure. There’s yet nothing I can identify that brings meaning to everything I’ve been doing for the past eleven months.

I feel like I do nothing and am bombarded by feelings of everything. What should I have already accomplished at this time? Am I ready to consider extending a third year in Indonesia? How much rice have I eaten in the past year?

I realize that this problem is mostly about my expectations for this kind of service. I have so many things I want to accomplish, and I fully intend to take on more of my little projects that may seem so little to what I expect in the grand scheme of things. But today I am exhausted. I just want to do nothing by smoking, sipping coffee, and daydreaming for hours clad in a tank top. Considering that in this country it’s impolite for women to smoke and show too much skin and also dangerous for anyone to daydream in fear of devil possession, those precious moments doing exactly what I want are everything to me.