My Own Force Awakens

I just watched the new Star Wars film. Having stopped being a hardcore fan several years ago, I thought seeing the film would be just kinda fun. I had no expectations of it getting me out of this funk I've been having for a while. Seeing the film totally did that. That film was everything I needed in life. I’m so recharged. I’m not one for making resolutions, but considering my heightened mood from the film, I’d like to list down some things I’d like to work on:

1. I want to be a better daughter, sister, and aunt. After living in family-oriented Indonesia for nearly two years, I’ve been exposed to the great benefits of a strong family. I was raised in an Asian household, but my parents adopted many American habits. My parents encouraged me to be independent and to take care of myself before helping others. While I still believe that is a noble path, I want to be completely there for my mom, my sisters, and my little niece. They’re everything. After my father passed away last month, I feel a sense of responsibility that I cannot wholly fulfill being thousands of miles away, but I will. 
2. I want to be a better Peace Corps volunteer. I have less than six months left of service. I’m so excited to get back to America and to apply everything I’ve learned. But I’m still here, so I want to stay in the present. I’ve halfheartedly picked up mediation to stay in the present, but it is hard. There are so many things I want to do back home, and I often feel like I’m done with this job and am ready to move on. But I know that’s not possible. I’ve made a commitment, and I’m going to finish this on a good note.
3. I want to cut down on smoking. Most of my adventures in Indonesia have been on my bike. I’ve sadly realized that I can’t climb on my bike. My smoker lungs simply won’t allow me. I can do over 100km on a straight road in one day, but a few steep hills? No cigar. I know it’ll be easier to cut down in America because it’s less socially acceptable there, but I will slowly start here. It took my father five whole years to fully quit smoking. I am not ready to quit, but I’m ready to cut down for those beautiful Indonesian rice fields I’ve yet to climb up on my bike. 
4. I want to continue my writing. I know I’m not a great or super compelling writer, but I’d like to become an essayist, not unlike David Sedaris. Big dreams. The only way to get even close to that is to write every day. So here’s my Tuesday effort for you. 
5. I want to be more social. For those that know me well, I’m a shy person because I’m afraid of saying stupid or nonsensical things. I mean, sometimes I’m just socially selective, but most of the time, I’m afraid you’re going to think I’m stupid. This is unhealthy I realize. I can be really brave when it comes to work, and I’d like that to translate smoothly to my personal life. 

Why did the new Star Wars film inspire me to write this? That Rey character is pretty fucking awesome. She’s also super fit, which attracts me so much. Regardless of where she’s from or what insiders say about her parentage, she’s a good person. She saves that little droid from capture, she refuses to sell it despite its worth, and she promises to bring it back to where it belongs. Further, she uses the Force like a pro. Was she even trained? Does part of me want to be just like her? Uh yeah! But sometimes I engage in the Indonesian habit of saying I’ll do something and never do it. It’s going to take me a long time to get to that Rey status, but I’m willing to work on it. In the meantime, I’m going to work on the few things I’ve listed above and hope it’ll get me someplace good.

Positive Experiences

One of my friends back home asked why so many of my blog posts are negative and mostly about crying while I’m smiling in all my Facebook photos. My response: You’re supposed to smile in photos, right? My grimace pose is not as attractive as my hand on hip smiling one. Ami right?!

But honestly, I think it’s healthy that I express my weaknesses through any form. At least I’m not keeping all the negative feelings inside me. But I do have a few positive experiences up my sleeve that I’d like to share:

1. My ibu woke me up early one morning to present a traditional Javanese rice dish eaten on special occasions, after which she sang me a wrongly worded “Happy Birthday.” It was September 24th. My birthday is in the middle of October.
2. One of my Indonesian friends was offered a teaching job after being observed by a senior teacher from that school at my IGLOW IBRO.
3. After feeling a bit insecure for having to wear a pretty ugly teaching uniform, I’m given the cute eyes from the handsome teacher at my school. Swoon. 
4. I dreamt that Freddy Kreuger was transgender and was trying to win the love of the person she loved but just ended up scaring that person. After fearing that this was a different but similar version of my life story, I scored a Tinder match that ended up becoming a relationship for six months.
5. Not all the teachers at my school can speak English, so our communication is limited. But the language we all can communicate with is the language of smoking Indonesian cigarettes. On school trips, the male teachers basically read my mind and find me places to smoke hidden from the students. Now this is integration.
6. I’ve collected an arsenal of bad words in Javanese (all taught by the same male teachers that hide my smoking) in case I ever come across a rude Indonesian that won’t stop harassing me.
7. After my father passed away last month, one of my best Indonesian friends told me: Be strong because you are strong. He understands me so well.
8. During pre-service training, my ibu would put a box of chocolate cookies in front of me as soon as I would sit down to finish Indonesian language homework.
9. I would spend the most awkward mornings with my bapak (host father) before I left for school. He would often mumble to me in Javanese I don’t understand or just smile as I sat down to eat breakfast. One morning, I thought the neighborhood cat had died because bapak kept hitting its back with a stick with no response. It turns out he was giving the cat a massage. 
10. I’m about to complete my Peace Corps service in less than six months.

It took me less than half an hour to compile this list, and I laughed through the entire making of it. That is #11.

Jungle Mode

I have less than six months of service left, and the greatest thing I’ve learned is how to survive on my own. Before serving as a Peace Corps volunteer, I’ve lived away from home but never this far and this long. The mental preparation for this kind of experience forces me to really step out of my comfort areas that are not only good opportunities for me to grow, but also are just plain uncomfortable.

For example, I’ve been living out of my bag for the past year. Volunteers are encouraged to explore the community in which they live, and that requires that I bike everywhere. There are days when I visit a university, another volunteer, or some other organization and there are requests that I make a professional not-sweaty-from-biking appearance. When that happens, I first wipe the sweat from my eyes and open up my backpack of supplies: soap, deodorant, hairpins, underwear, first aid kid, etc. It is honestly exhausting to have to put on my Peace Corps persona after having just biked 10km. But I do it; all the volunteers do.

As a result from the past year’s habitual change, I take all my things with me everywhere. I even did this when I visited California last month. It’s like my safety net. After leaving the house in torn cargo pants and a fully packed bike oil-stained bag, my fashionably clad friend looked at me like:

“Where are you headed, Indiana Jones?”

I often feel and look this way after a long day

Do you ever get into that survivor jungle mode but then forget you’re not in the jungle?

Even my ibu and the teachers at my Islamic middle school started to call me, “Nekat,” which roughly translates to too adventurous or reckless in Javanese. I am just trying to survive in the most efficient way I know how. I am not allowed the convenience of staying clean and pretty because my bike is my main form of transportation, so I adapt. 

I started to realize the negative effects of my ways when I visited my first Indonesian host family last week. After lying on my old bed in my old bedroom and staring at my old Winnie the Pooh clock on the wall, I became very emotional. Nostalgia took over and memories from the past two years flooded my mind. There were memories of the times before I learned how to survive well in this country, which were confusing times. And then there were the times when I felt really integrated and never wanted to go home, and those were confusing, too. Basically, I had a mini cry fest while holding my old Hello Kitty pillow and hearing my host family watch an Indonesian-dubbed SpongeBob Square Pants episode. I tried to time my cries to the laughter of Patrick.

I think my ibu knew that I was crying. She knocked on my door, immediately handed me my favorite cassava chips, and said I could eat rice soon. She took care of me. The night I visited, she cooked my favorite Indonesian foods, bought my favorite snacks, stayed patient while trying to understand my terrible Indonesian, and allowed me so much privacy. She said I didn’t have to worry about anything. It felt really nice to let go of that survivor mode. She’s right. I didn’t have to try so hard to survive in her house, so I just lay down and rested. It was the best sleep I've had in a long time.

Having to turn on my survivor mode for biking home through a flood and thunderstorm and for trying to ignore Indonesian men stare at my chest at bus terminals, it felt good to let go and have my ibu ask if she could put more water in my cup during dinner. Yes, ibu. That would be really nice.