My Ibu (host mom) asked if I smoked. I told her I did in America, but not in Indonesia. It’s true. I’m a different person here. I wouldn’t necessarily say better, but I’m supposed to play a different role here. Five days after I quit in America, I caved in Surabaya. But it was the city, and it’s more lax there. But now that I’m in the desa (village), I have to adhere to more strict gender roles. And one aspect of that role is not smoking. So although I caved in Surabaya, I think it’ll be easier to quit in the desa because everyone is curious to see what the American will do and judge her accordingly.
Every day I weigh the costs of being seen smoking in the desa. What will each puff cost me? Is this puff worth damaging my reputation as a teacher? Does that puff go against Peace Corps expectations of integrating into Indonesian Muslim culture? I’m not trying to force my way into this culture, especially not while blatantly disregarding one of its more important values. But there isn’t a day when my right hand doesn’t beckon the feel of its favorite accessory.
I understand that this is a symptom of withdrawal. When I see men smoking here it feels like they’re mocking me and asserting their manhood. I hope that one day it won’t feel that way. I hope it’ll feel as a reminder that I finally made a good decision about one of the bad choices in my past. Until that clarity comes, I’ll have to live in the smoky shadow of men in front of me, smelling that sweet, sweet smell. Enak!
Monday, March 31, 2014
Boldness
The drivers here are bold. They weave in and out of lanes, sometimes floating in between. I’ve never seen anything like it. And despite the chaos, no driver seems anxious or nervous. I guess weaving in and out of lanes, grazing the shirtsleeves of pedestrians, becomes second nature at an early age. Adding an extra level to their coolness, they don’t seem to worry about losing that control.
It reminds me of the scene in the film American Hustle where Sydney Prosser talks about the boldness that comes from dancing:
“[Dancing in a strip club] can feel kind of sexy sometimes. There was a boldness in it. But where would that boldness take me? I didn’t know, but I was gonna find out.”
Although I have no dancing or performing arts experience, I can relate to the sentiment. Indonesian drivers and Sydney Prosser seem to have that boldness in common. They both seem to know exactly what they’re doing. At the starting point of reflecting if I’m good enough to be a full-fledged volunteer, I ask:
Do situations drive human behavior and attitude or does attitude drive the success of situations?
On one hand, situations can drive attitude. Sometimes people display acts of courage when they have no one else to rely on. When I moved out of my parents’ house, living independently came easier than expected because I stopped relying on my parents to solve my problems. When people are expected to perform, they usually muster up the courage to do so.
On the other hand, attitude can drive situations. One approach to finding the right attitude is through context. Everyone has experiences in which he or she feels bold. Depending on the people or the demands of the situation, I adjust my boldness-meter to fit the needs of the day. But because I’ve never experienced anything quite like living and working in another country, I wonder if that strategy applies here.
In the States, I’m able to turn my boldness-meter up and down based on social cues and rules. However, the rules are different here and hence, strategies will have to be disregarded or modified. In other words, my boldness-meter will need to be recalibrated to appropriately assess an Indonesian social climate.
In Sydney’s case, the opportunity to be a master con artist inspired the courage she needed to perform, and the coping skills attained from past situations enabled the smooth and successful transition. Sydney was able to transfer her boldness from the dancing spotlight to the business arena. Will I be able to strut myself the same way?
Perhaps success of anything requires a bit of both perspectives. A demanding situation could inspire courage, and courage ingrained and practiced from past adverse situations can easily promote success.
Perhaps I need to be more like those Indonesian drivers that weave in and out of lanes. Those drivers let the current of traffic move them as well as actively push through it. They create that balance of waiting to be inspired and using skills to accomplish goals. I’m finally embarking on the adventure I’ve wanted since I was 17. My desire to have this adventure has a boldness in it. But where would that boldness take me? Indonesia, here I am. We’ll see where it takes me . . . and where I take it.
It reminds me of the scene in the film American Hustle where Sydney Prosser talks about the boldness that comes from dancing:
“[Dancing in a strip club] can feel kind of sexy sometimes. There was a boldness in it. But where would that boldness take me? I didn’t know, but I was gonna find out.”
Although I have no dancing or performing arts experience, I can relate to the sentiment. Indonesian drivers and Sydney Prosser seem to have that boldness in common. They both seem to know exactly what they’re doing. At the starting point of reflecting if I’m good enough to be a full-fledged volunteer, I ask:
Do situations drive human behavior and attitude or does attitude drive the success of situations?
On one hand, situations can drive attitude. Sometimes people display acts of courage when they have no one else to rely on. When I moved out of my parents’ house, living independently came easier than expected because I stopped relying on my parents to solve my problems. When people are expected to perform, they usually muster up the courage to do so.
On the other hand, attitude can drive situations. One approach to finding the right attitude is through context. Everyone has experiences in which he or she feels bold. Depending on the people or the demands of the situation, I adjust my boldness-meter to fit the needs of the day. But because I’ve never experienced anything quite like living and working in another country, I wonder if that strategy applies here.
In the States, I’m able to turn my boldness-meter up and down based on social cues and rules. However, the rules are different here and hence, strategies will have to be disregarded or modified. In other words, my boldness-meter will need to be recalibrated to appropriately assess an Indonesian social climate.
In Sydney’s case, the opportunity to be a master con artist inspired the courage she needed to perform, and the coping skills attained from past situations enabled the smooth and successful transition. Sydney was able to transfer her boldness from the dancing spotlight to the business arena. Will I be able to strut myself the same way?
Perhaps success of anything requires a bit of both perspectives. A demanding situation could inspire courage, and courage ingrained and practiced from past adverse situations can easily promote success.
Perhaps I need to be more like those Indonesian drivers that weave in and out of lanes. Those drivers let the current of traffic move them as well as actively push through it. They create that balance of waiting to be inspired and using skills to accomplish goals. I’m finally embarking on the adventure I’ve wanted since I was 17. My desire to have this adventure has a boldness in it. But where would that boldness take me? Indonesia, here I am. We’ll see where it takes me . . . and where I take it.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Breaking The Habit
My plan is to put a hold on smoking cigarettes during my 27 months in Indonesia. I’ve smoked habitually since 2008 and have wanted to quit for some time. I remember the last cigarette I had. It was my last day in America. I had just finished on the treadmill at a hotel gym. It was 5am. I went down to the lobby and passed the front desk still in my gym clothes. It was dark and windy outside, but the residual sweat from my workout kept me warm. I sat on a window ledge in front of the hotel and lit that last one.
*Nostalgically close eyes and breathe in and out*
My goodness it was wonderful. I thought I was on top of the world because I was in control of my smoking. I was in control with how I wanted to spend the next 27 months. I put out that cigarette and tried to get ready for the new chapter in my life.
By day four into service in Indonesia, I got major cravings. I had no replacement behavior in mind. I knew I had a lot of Bahasa Indonesian to study, but the cravings wouldn’t go away. And while I’ve never supported my smoking, I considered several different points around my place of residence where I could secretly indulge. I used to always try to find some secret place to smoke, ashamed of what had become my most satisfying habit.
While I harbor these secret plans, I know that if I want to be a successful volunteer in this country, I need to stay away from my treasured cancer sticks. And I need to understand that I’m here for a reason: to explore and help improve the well being of my assigned community. In my current deprived state, I can say with 70% certainty that that reason is worth more than my habit. And I’m sure once I learn more about this country and learn to appreciate my mission here, that percentage will rise until I won’t even need that certainty to know I’m doing the right thing.
At least that’s what I hope.
*Nostalgically close eyes and breathe in and out*
My goodness it was wonderful. I thought I was on top of the world because I was in control of my smoking. I was in control with how I wanted to spend the next 27 months. I put out that cigarette and tried to get ready for the new chapter in my life.
By day four into service in Indonesia, I got major cravings. I had no replacement behavior in mind. I knew I had a lot of Bahasa Indonesian to study, but the cravings wouldn’t go away. And while I’ve never supported my smoking, I considered several different points around my place of residence where I could secretly indulge. I used to always try to find some secret place to smoke, ashamed of what had become my most satisfying habit.
While I harbor these secret plans, I know that if I want to be a successful volunteer in this country, I need to stay away from my treasured cancer sticks. And I need to understand that I’m here for a reason: to explore and help improve the well being of my assigned community. In my current deprived state, I can say with 70% certainty that that reason is worth more than my habit. And I’m sure once I learn more about this country and learn to appreciate my mission here, that percentage will rise until I won’t even need that certainty to know I’m doing the right thing.
At least that’s what I hope.
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