Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Breaking The Habit

My plan is to put a hold on smoking cigarettes during my 27 months in Indonesia. I’ve smoked habitually since 2008 and have wanted to quit for some time. I remember the last cigarette I had. It was my last day in America. I had just finished on the treadmill at a hotel gym. It was 5am. I went down to the lobby and passed the front desk still in my gym clothes. It was dark and windy outside, but the residual sweat from my workout kept me warm. I sat on a window ledge in front of the hotel and lit that last one.

*Nostalgically close eyes and breathe in and out*

My goodness it was wonderful. I thought I was on top of the world because I was in control of my smoking. I was in control with how I wanted to spend the next 27 months. I put out that cigarette and tried to get ready for the new chapter in my life.

By day four into service in Indonesia, I got major cravings. I had no replacement behavior in mind. I knew I had a lot of Bahasa Indonesian to study, but the cravings wouldn’t go away. And while I’ve never supported my smoking, I considered several different points around my place of residence where I could secretly indulge. I used to always try to find some secret place to smoke, ashamed of what had become my most satisfying habit.

While I harbor these secret plans, I know that if I want to be a successful volunteer in this country, I need to stay away from my treasured cancer sticks. And I need to understand that I’m here for a reason: to explore and help improve the well being of my assigned community. In my current deprived state, I can say with 70% certainty that that reason is worth more than my habit. And I’m sure once I learn more about this country and learn to appreciate my mission here, that percentage will rise until I won’t even need that certainty to know I’m doing the right thing.

At least that’s what I hope.

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