On Healthy Boundaries

I’ve worked therapist jobs for at-risk pregnant women and autistic children. These were emotionally demanding positions. Sometimes I have a Messiah complex where I feel obligated to help someone, but the way to do that can be healthy or unhealthy. I often overstep my boundaries and take on the issues of other people to the point of feeling so confused at the end of a workday. I’ve been criticized for being a doormat and not taking enough of a leadership role in helping my clients fix their issues without over-relying on me. I’ve been told that:

“Clients need pushing, not patting.”

By taking on their problems, I’m enabling them; I'm patting them. I’m letting them rely on me to fix their problems rather than directing them to different resources where they’d be in the position to fix their problems independently. So the best advice I’ve received to combat my Messiah complex is to set boundaries. In other words, it’s not my responsibility to take on other people’s problems and solve them. We set these boundaries so people can be more independent. People will discover what's expected of them and, I hope, rely less on other people and more on their own potential.

Furthermore, the flip side to setting boundaries is creating a zone where I'm comfortable sharing parts of my life. The challenge with these types of therapist jobs is how to balance between being a friend and mentor, balance between what I'm comfortable giving and what I'm comfortable receiving. I've noticed that these positions are less effective when the therapist practices from an objective standpoint, so my challenge has been:

How do I stay objective while still be an active participant in the conversation?

This concept extends beyond the workplace. I’ve set my mom boundaries, too. She’s the one person with whom I thought I couldn’t establish boundaries, but I’m trying. I understand now that I don't need to share every detail with her to maintain our close bond. And I can give the best parts of me more happily knowing that she's not worrying about the things she doesn't necessarily need to know about.

It’s always hard to do it with people you love. Maybe you assume because they’re providing unconditional love that means you should give everything you are. But that’s just not true or healthy. Part of taking care of yourself is establishing these boundaries with the people around you: seeing what’s necessary to disclose and what’s not. At first it can be hard to see people in terms of how strong of a boundary you need to maintain a healthy relationship, but once you figure out the expectations people have of you, I think you can plan accordingly.

Once I serve in Indonesia, I will have to implement these same boundaries for the people in my community. I’m there to be a part of the community and culture, but I need to set boundaries between what I’m comfortable learning and what I’m comfortable teaching. Not everything in my culture will easily translate to Indonesian culture and vice versa. But I hope getting to know the people and seeing what's appropriate would help set healthy boundaries in hopes of providing everyone, including myself, the opportunity to discover ways to improve lives.