I said that to a boy last month. For the past several months, I’ve been getting into this more focused mentality. I’ve been trying to pump out as many camps, seminars, and workshops as I possibly could in the remaining months I have left in Indonesia. As a result, I’ve become very work-oriented. Every interaction is an opportunity to network. The bad part of that is if I find no potential to further the progress of one of my events from an interaction, I sort of detach and ignore. This is not a good way to live, but I’ve got serious drive right now.
Anyway, I met someone that makes me feel more human and less of an event-pumping machine. From our interactions, I’ve discovered things about and sides of myself that I never knew were there. I can be sweet. I can be friendly again. Most important, I can let sweetness in. Who knew that could happen? I’m so happy it has, and so happy I’m finally in a relationship that I really enjoy. I feel supported and loved. I’m more humanized because of this, and funnily, that makes me more productive.
From this experience, I’ve discovered that productivity could be fueled by hard ambition as well as by sweet emotion. Before I would often confuse sweetness with being soft and weak. But I don’t feel weak. After letting the sweetness in, I felt like I could acknowledge the feelings I set aside to be the hardcore Peace Corps volunteer I always (perhaps arrogantly) envisioned myself being. Instead, letting the sweetness in let me become better at expressing my feelings and my needs. This process overall aids in my emotional development, which aids my overall development.
In other good news, I was recently accepted into my choice PhD program. I feel amazed, intimidated, and ready all at the same time. I want to continue practicing all the skills I’ve developed in Indonesia the past two years. I want to stay organized. I want to keep networking like a boss. I want to stay fiercely independent. And I want to continue not giving a shit about what people think about me. These are the goals for the next phase in my life, and I want to accomplish them not as a machine, but as a human.
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