As I squat to take a cold bucket bath every morning, I have that moment. As I stuff the ends of my mosquito net underneath my mattress every night, I have that moment. As my Ibu stares me down every lunch to eat rice with a spoon instead of a fork, I have that moment.
What am I doing here? I could be having a hot shower in America right now. I could be concentrating on more productive things in America rather than on my chances of catching malaria right now. I could be given the choice of ANY other carbohydrate in America and be eating it with any damn utensil I choose right now.
I thought I’ve been keeping good pace with the pre-service training schedule. But on our way home from visiting another volunteer, I had another what am I doing here? moment while my body was wearing off the effects of the Benadryl I took earlier that day.
The pace was finally starting to take a toll on my mental and physical health. As for many people, my tolerance threshold is low when I’m tired. I said things I didn’t mean. I lashed out on angkot drivers and fellow trainees and was all kinds of crazy.
Basically, things got emotional fast. I really wanted to go back home to California. I missed certain people and certain privileges. Maybe I wasn’t really happy here. Maybe I wasn’t ready for this kind of commitment. Maybe Peace Corps isn’t for everyone. Maybe I should lay off the emo.
Eventually, the Benadryl wore off and my perspective came back into focus. I can’t turn away from an experience I’ve wanted since high school. This unfortunate Benadryl incident may be the first of many obstacles that may potentially prevent my finishing service. And although those trainees I lashed out on no longer reply to my texts, I better get used to these obstacles. It’s going to take more than some Benadryl-induced emo binge to get me to go home.
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