Messiah Complex

I’m figuring out so much about myself living here. On the most part, I love it. I love learning how my value for certain things has changed. Every time I deal with a situation that questions my readiness to serve, I ask: What am I willing to sacrifice to have this experience? Is this experience worth that sacrifice?

As liberating as all this self-discovery has been, there have also been things about myself I don’t enjoy discovering. For example, I’ve been called condescending. I’ve been told I’m too focused on the job. And most surprising, I’ve been called too competitive. These are three characteristics I would have never used to describe me. But put together and considering all the random comments I’ve received about my behavior, I think I finally have come to terms that I suffer from Messiah Complex.

Messiah Complex is always wanting to help others, thinking that I am wiser, and in turn, thinking that I always know better. And when I’m not actively helping people, I want nothing to do with them.

This is obviously an exaggeration of what I’m currently going through, and since this is my first experience outside of America, emotions are amplified. All of my character flaws are magnified and examined. I’ve accepted that I suffer from Messiah Complex, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough to change.

A friend suggested that if I wanted to change, I should embody the characteristics of fictional people I admire. I currently admire Sherlock Holmes from the TV show Elementary.

Watson asks Sherlock Holmes if they are cut off from the world because their current lifestyle is focused solely on the job. Sherlock says:

“We’re not cut off from the world. We’re engaged in creating one that’s actually worth living in. One that addresses our needs entirely and eliminates anything extraneous . . . Then I met someone called Irene Adler, and that forced me to reexamine those convictions. She, of course, turned out to be a criminal . . . I feel liberated. I am now and forever post-love. And as such, I’m free to pursue a life of meaning.”

So, yeah, he is cut off from the world because he doesn’t accept its current state. Those who are busy creating and organizing how something functions rarely have the opportunity to experience how something functions. He sees living as a science rather than as something that ebbs and flows naturally.

I don’t know what it means for me to want to embody the characteristics of Sherlock Holmes, but I do. Until I find another fictional character that moves me as much as he does, I’m not going to try to change. I mean I’m working on not being so condescending, but other than that, take me as I am.