A Dollop of Desperation - A Walter Mitty Version

I obsess. I over think. I sometimes think I enjoy making myself miserable. I don’t really know why I continue to do this. Perhaps I spend too much time by myself, escaping in the depths of my mind. Robertson Davies writes in his novel, The Manticore:

“So much of this thinking is just mental masturbation, not intended to beget anything.”

And Davies is right. A lot of what I do is bascially dwell on things that are out of my control. And the dwelling isn’t intended to beget anything despite my desperate attempts of convincing myself otherwise.

I’m a fervent advocate for learning through experience. I always have. But once I’ve experienced something, I overanalyze its implications until it has no meaning, the lesson lost in my convoluted inner dialogue.

To add insult to injury, I was recently told my “thoroughness” kills the mood and that I don’t know how to enjoy life. This was an obvious bummer, so I afterward treated myself to the film, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Walter Mitty is a desperate person who is too afraid to stand up for himself and talk to the woman he admires. He’s a regular victim of zoning out into his own little world to the point of completely losing the moment.

I feel something akin to dread when I see how similar he and I act. He’s desperate to change but doesn’t seem to know how. The eventual catalyst to his transformation comes from who I call his alter-ego, Sean O'Connell – the photojournalist who manifests Mitty’s fantasies of adventure and inner strength.

We’ve all got a dash of desperation. However, some have a dollop. The mental wanderings for my purpose in life have left me desperate for any kind of meaning, even attempting with people and in situations that I know are unhealthy for me.

This is why I have such intense wanderlust. Some ask why I have to leave the country to have meaningful, life-affirming experiences. Why can’t I just find what I’m looking for at home? This is a fair question. I subscribe to the notion that having these life-affirming experiences is all about perspective. If I just changed a part of how I view the world, it’s true I don’t have to travel far to discover myself. But perhaps I currently don’t know how to change a part of how I view the world. Maybe this physical exploration will enable a mental exploration. So yeah, it’s true about perspective. And I’m taking this opportunity to travel to figure out just how to do that.

Sean O'Connell beckons my attention, too.

I've only to escape my dream world and enter the real world.

Fantasies of a Treadmill Enthusiast . . . Or Attempted Enthusiast

I started going to the gym again. Since I’m a part-time tutor, I thought I should work on goals I gave less priority to before, especially in the transition to starting the toughest job I’ll ever love. Physical improvement seemed like the most practical goal to work on since I assume physical fitness and strength would make it easier living without all my coveted amenities. But I’ve been having trouble staying motivated on the treadmill, so I’ve compiled a list of fantasies that help get me going.

The standard fantasy of anyone chasing me is guaranteed to get my butt moving. For example:

1. I’m a piece of chocolate cake and that large boy from Matilda is coming at me with his already chocolate-greased fingers.

I think this is a healthy scenario because it’s not only entertaining, but also it forces me to improve my running gait because it’s a life or death situation.

2. I’m the guitarist in Lady Gaga’s band, and she yells out, “Come on!” while swinging her Christmas tree clad arm for me to keep my pace. 

I love Lady Gaga. So I would, of course, love her alternatively clad arm beckoning me to rhythm.

Then there are the more unhealthy ones:

3. My best friend hits on the guy I like.

I think this is an unhealthy one because it puts me in a position to be in competition with my best friend who is a girl. Girls have been raised to be in competition with other girls for other boys, jobs, or opportunities. Only when I’m really aching for a good run do I indulge in my jealousy. But the great run typically ends with a bitter taste in my mouth. So only if your moral compass is lax would I suggest this one.

4. Having my imaginary boyfriend break up with me because he thinks I’m too fat.

Again, this is an unhealthy fantasy but also kind of empowering because the burst of energy I’d get from his declaration would go toward telling him off rather than working hard on the treadmill to please him. I typically don’t tell people off or curse, so once I finally find the appropriate turn of phrase and mix of obscenity, the result can be quite empowering.

Overall, I think all energy can be channeled in a positive way. Whether it comes from positive or negative thinking, energy is what you make of it. 

On Healthy Boundaries

I’ve worked therapist jobs for at-risk pregnant women and autistic children. These were emotionally demanding positions. Sometimes I have a Messiah complex where I feel obligated to help someone, but the way to do that can be healthy or unhealthy. I often overstep my boundaries and take on the issues of other people to the point of feeling so confused at the end of a workday. I’ve been criticized for being a doormat and not taking enough of a leadership role in helping my clients fix their issues without over-relying on me. I’ve been told that:

“Clients need pushing, not patting.”

By taking on their problems, I’m enabling them; I'm patting them. I’m letting them rely on me to fix their problems rather than directing them to different resources where they’d be in the position to fix their problems independently. So the best advice I’ve received to combat my Messiah complex is to set boundaries. In other words, it’s not my responsibility to take on other people’s problems and solve them. We set these boundaries so people can be more independent. People will discover what's expected of them and, I hope, rely less on other people and more on their own potential.

Furthermore, the flip side to setting boundaries is creating a zone where I'm comfortable sharing parts of my life. The challenge with these types of therapist jobs is how to balance between being a friend and mentor, balance between what I'm comfortable giving and what I'm comfortable receiving. I've noticed that these positions are less effective when the therapist practices from an objective standpoint, so my challenge has been:

How do I stay objective while still be an active participant in the conversation?

This concept extends beyond the workplace. I’ve set my mom boundaries, too. She’s the one person with whom I thought I couldn’t establish boundaries, but I’m trying. I understand now that I don't need to share every detail with her to maintain our close bond. And I can give the best parts of me more happily knowing that she's not worrying about the things she doesn't necessarily need to know about.

It’s always hard to do it with people you love. Maybe you assume because they’re providing unconditional love that means you should give everything you are. But that’s just not true or healthy. Part of taking care of yourself is establishing these boundaries with the people around you: seeing what’s necessary to disclose and what’s not. At first it can be hard to see people in terms of how strong of a boundary you need to maintain a healthy relationship, but once you figure out the expectations people have of you, I think you can plan accordingly.

Once I serve in Indonesia, I will have to implement these same boundaries for the people in my community. I’m there to be a part of the community and culture, but I need to set boundaries between what I’m comfortable learning and what I’m comfortable teaching. Not everything in my culture will easily translate to Indonesian culture and vice versa. But I hope getting to know the people and seeing what's appropriate would help set healthy boundaries in hopes of providing everyone, including myself, the opportunity to discover ways to improve lives.

On Embracing Distraction

I have three more months until I leave for Indonesia. I feel much more emotionally prepared than I was for Kenya for some reason. I left my real job and am working a part-time retail job with lots of time on my hands. I feel guilty for having all that time though. I’ve been taught to build a life of meaning, but what I’m building now is a life of distraction.

Distractions can be good for you, too. They teach you what’s really important because they serve as a palette cleanser. Distractions can range from taking long and aimless walks through the town you grew up to sharing a meaningful night with a guy you barely knew a week ago. I typically do not subscribe to a life fulfilling all the basic and curious needs I’ve convinced myself I don’t need. It’s indulgent to live like that. I should feel guilty but can’t help but feel energized. Maybe living a life of distraction is what everyone needs to replenish a life that revolves around a proverbial work-hard-and-limit-pleasure ethic.

Basically, I think allowing yourself to enjoy life’s distractions can revive your love for life. And that love is meaning in itself.

Talk is Cheap

Since leaving my job tutoring autistic children, I’ve been looking for work. So I called my friend at Macy’s and now work in the jewelry section (in case anyone wants to buy some shiny, plastic thingamabobs). During one of my shift breaks I smoke in my favorite spot since first working here in college. The mall security comes up to me and tells me not to smoke in this now non-smoking section. I’m a little annoyed because this spot is secluded and I’ve probably worked here longer than this security guard. But I can’t be mad because he calls me “miss” instead of the “sir” I’ve expected since getting a pixie haircut. In a way, it’s kinda FTW! because I’ve been called “sir” so many times with this haircut.

But it also kinda bums me out because I must have put on enough make-up that day to prove I was a woman. The thing is I wasn’t going to cut my hair until I saw what was acceptable for women in Indonesia. I don’t want to offend anyone there by challenging gender norms. Because it's my job as a Peace Corps volunteer to not offend anyone. It’s not my job to change their way of thinking. It’s not to appear aggressive or intimidating. Instead, my job is to become a part of the community and to facilitate improvements in the community members’ lifestyle.

Typically, being called “sir” wouldn’t bother me. My main concern is not offending anyone in Indonesia. Maybe I give that concern too much meaning. The liberal American in me says: 

“What does it matter what I look like? As long as I do my job well, my appearance shouldn’t matter.” 

But not everyone in the world shares that perspective.

In some ways, I think this short haircut will make my adjustment extra hard because now I have to convince them I’m woman enough to be treated as a woman. But the same kinda applies here, too. Right after getting my haircut, I immediately bought eyeliner and lipstick to somehow prove to everyone here that I’m in fact a woman.

I know true in my heart that it’s right to think I don’t have to prove myself to anyone but me, yet I still do. How do I recondition that thinking? One of the things I learned at a seminar called “Millionaire Mind Intensive” this past weekend in Anaheim is:

“Your actions are so loud I can barely hear a word you’re saying.”

Basically, talk is cheap. And my talk is cheap every morning when I apply that eyeliner. I think Indonesia will be a good test to see what I’m made of and what I want to be made of afterward. We all need to reconcile the contradictions that rule our lives. It’s all about taking the first step. My first step is to step away from the mirror and put down the eyeliner. 

But I'll take that first step after my stint with Macy's. Retail is already hard enough. Since my favorite smoke spot is now taken over by non-smokers, don't I deserve to put off actualizing my potential a few months?

Light A Candle

I’m reassigned as an English teacher in Indonesia starting March 2014. Since I gave up my real job a month ago because I expected to leave for Kenya in October, I’ve been looking for seasonal and part-time work to keep me busy. So I applied for an activity aide position at a nursing home where my sister works, and I was basically hired. The job seemed super cool with lots of interaction with different kinds of people. I’d be leading BINGO games and doing sensory exercises with the residents. It all seemed like a productive use of my time for the next four months. The Activities Director approved of my choice to serve in the Peace Corps. She also really needed the help so didn’t mind my four-month stay. But when the HR manager found out how long I planned to stay, I was un-hired. 

In this unfortunate situation, I could do two things: move on or dwell.

I could have considered lying to the HR manager, saying I’d stay longer then quit when I eventually leave for Indonesia. But that would weigh on my conscience. I could have damned the whole facility and stayed angry for not being given the opportunity to grace its residents with my charisma. But would that solve anything?

A proverb:

“Look at what you’ve got and make the best of it. It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.”

But sometimes I pride myself for writing down every thought and emotion I have that I think it’s self-reflection when I'm really just over thinking. Ranting is not self-reflection. Dwelling on the past is not self-reflection. Looking to the past can be helpful if you're using those mistakes as a jumping off point to start negotiations with yourself. Is it time to change my behavior? What does this mistake mean for me in the long-run? 

It can be hard to spot the over thinking when emotions run high. I always thought it was a good thing to be aggressive when it came to expressing how I feel, but perhaps the aggression should be redirected in a positive way. Instead of plotting some grand revenge, I should be using that energy to thinking about the next opportunity. 

I’m still bummed I didn’t officially get the job, but it's no use letting the bitterness rule my life. Time to move on. Time to learn from my mistakes. Time to tweak my resume a bit more for the next interview. 

Afterward, I enjoyed some retail therapy. I went rogue and bought very trendy pants (I think they’re pants) from Forever 21. I typically wouldn’t buy pants there but until Indonesia, I will try to be more stylish. We all need roles to play to make life more interesting. And please take note that “try” is the keyword. I just hope I don’t look like I’m trying too hard.

Added Pressure

Our trip to Kenya has been indefinitely postponed. And all the volunteers who were supposed to go will be reassigned to different countries with different assignments. This process may take several months, so I’m sure I’m not the only one who is feeling the pressure to figure out what to do for the next several months. I keep telling myself:

“You have to let the added pressure move you forward, not drown you.”

But the setback has me drowning in pity for myself because I feel stuck. I should easily move on to the next leg of my career goal, which is graduate school. But I want to do the Peace Corps before graduate school because I expect the experience to mentally and emotionally prepare me for the new level of academic rigor that graduate school demands. Basically, I feel unproductive, which is a feeling I do not welcome.

To drag out this pity party, I still feel like a kid and I need to get over that by drastically changing how I live my life. But I can't really do that until I start this Peace Corps journey. I need to transform into a person who is ready to accept adulthood because I currently do not.

At my current mental state, I’m reminded by Robert Frost’s poem,

"Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening"

Whose woods these are I think I know. 

His house is in the village though; 

He will not see me stopping here 

To watch his woods fill up with snow. 

My little horse must think it queer 

To stop without a farmhouse near 

Between the woods and frozen lake 

The darkest evening of the year. 

He gives his harness bells a shake 

To ask if there is some mistake. 

The only other sound’s the sweep 

Of easy wind and downy flake. 

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. 

But I have promises to keep, 

And miles to go before I sleep, 

And miles to go before I sleep. 

I’m still committed to serve because I know Peace Corps will be worth the wait. And I expect the journey to be "dark and deep." I expect Peace Corps to challenge me in unexpected ways. I expect to develop new skills that could only develop from overcoming adversity. 

The only thing I wasn't expecting was the journey to the start of the real journey.